I remember what love feels like, my sister.

I wrote this to a dear friend of mine who at the time was beginning to fall in love but struggled with the fear of pain and vulnerability which comes with opening your heart. (1/19/13)

I remember what love feels like, my sister.

I see you flirting with love, tempting it close and then turning away and hugging your knees to your chest, yelling at it to stay away. Love is absolutely terrifying because suddenly another person causes so much reaction in your being and you have no control over it. It feels like you are just floating away into the sky and can’t find the ground no matter how hard you kick. It is scary, my sister, but it is one of the most spectacular experiences of being human. Even if it ends in heartache, the taste of it is never forgotten, and it was still the most delicious fruit you’ve ever had the privilege to savor.

I remember what love feels like, my sister. I have been in love. Real true wild love at first sight. His soul and mine, we have loved each other for lifetimes. I thought I would spend my life with him. What was it like? I remember that it feels like you want nothing more in the entire world than to be next to him. To be snuggled up against his warm body with his arms wrapped around you and feeling like you are so protected and like you two could just disappear into your shared cocoon and turn into two brilliant sparkling butterflies and spread multi-colored joy around the earth. When you look into his eyes it feels like you can see a thousand stories of every moment you want to spend together. It feels like he can see parts of you that you didn’t even know were there, that you are only aware of now that he has shown his light into ever corner of your soul. When you hold his hand, you can’t even remember what its like to be alone. When you see his name on your phone, you catch your breath because you just can’t wait to hear his voice. When you have to part even for a few days, you hug him once and then run back over and over again to have just one more hug and one more kiss. You try to savor the sensation of his lips on yours, try to soak it up into your soul so that every time you speak, your shared magic will spread love out into the world. Love is when you see him across the room talking to someone else, and you are full of pride. When his eyes catch yours you smile before any conscious thought can even enter your brain and your chest feels hot and tingly with the blossoming honor that he is your partner. Love is when waking up next to him and having a whole unplanned day ahead of you, all you want to do is roll closer together and feel as much of his skin against yours. Its when you finally drag yourselves out of the bed because you are hungry and feel completely fulfilled as you make the french toast and he makes the eggs, the partnership and balance feel infinite. When you set the table for your two person breakfast, you want to use the fancy wine glasses, even if it’s just for orange juice. Being in love is when something great happens to you, the thought of telling him about it doubles the sensation of joy in your body, magnifying the resonance of positive energy around and inside you. Its when something upsetting happens and as soon as you tell him you will start to feel better, because you can feel that he wants you to feel better and will do anything he can to help, but really its just that, his love wanting to heal you that will already improve it, no action is required. Love is when you want to wear your favorite dress and look flawless and stunning, just as a testament to how much you glow for him inside. Love is when you wear your sweatpants and T-shirt and still feel like he can see your light. Love is when you can laugh at all the awkward things, and when you both are sad after a fight, and both apologize, because you are fighting for the same thing; to be at peace and share your love. Love is when you do giant things like move across the country to be with someone, or buy a plane ticket spur of the moment on credit because you won’t let anything get in the way of being close as soon as humanly possible. Love is when the simplest thing like staying in and watching a movie on the couch feels like the most appealing activity for a Saturday night, uninterrupted by others, and you can climb into bed and press up against each other and sync your breathing, and drift into sleep with his warmth surrounding your body and his love enveloping your soul and not want to ever be anywhere else.

Love is when you can’t imagine not having him in your life anymore. And if a day comes when that is how it has to be, when all your goodbyes are said and tears are shed, when the pit in your heart finally feels tolerably shallow, the love will remain. No matter what happened, who did what to who, when its really love, that never goes away. And sometimes at 3am in your bed even when you are fully complete within yourself and on your path, a pang appears in your heartspace and you miss him so badly the hot tears flow down your cheeks. Its not that you want to start anything with him again, you know too well that its not meant to be, its just, this profound deep sense of sadness, that you can’t call or hug him anymore. But you try to breathe and remember that it’s ok, because you knows he loves you too. I remember what love feels like, my sister. Even when he is marrying another person, you know that is his journey in this lifetime, but it doesn’t erase the love between your hearts. You know that if someday you two lay eyes on each other in these or other human forms, the magnetic force between you two will pull you towards one another and you will still find pure comfort pressing up against him. But, chances are you won’t see him again, and any way it would be too painful to ever have to be that close but not in the way your soul craves and have to separate again. So you move apart in body and mind, but you send some light and love through that thread that goes from your heart to his. Send some compassion and gratitude and energy, and you know he feels it. Always. That is what love is, my sister. Love is when you love each other to the core of your being but you know that it won’t work anymore to spend your days together. Love is when you are healing and not hurting but, that missing and that love, won’t ever fully disappear. And that’s ok, because that’s what a soul mate is. He’s someone that comes into your life to teach you a lesson for a certain time. And you won’t ever stop being soul mates. But that doesn’t mean you are life mates this time around. For now, just pick up the pieces and put them in a painted vase, and grow some flowers in it, and they will always bloom because the love is always there.

I remember what love feels like, my sister. I don’t have it anymore and I was sorely wounded by betrayal. But I will always remember what it feels like, if it was real that will never go away. No lies can erase the truth spoken between two hearts. Even when the trust is broken and you have to walk away, your souls still know each other, they always will. I remember what love feels like, my sister, and I hope you get to learn it too.

Maybe I don't write because...

Maybe the reason i dont write is because im scared of the power of my words. with small squiggles on blank paper i can evoke a myriad of experiences for you, a stranger. I can provoke anger, smoldering at your solar plexus with depictions of cruelty and malice. I can melt your heartspace with tales of what beings have given others in the name of love. With a few thoughtfully placed lines I can draw tears from your eyes for a person that doesnt exist outside of our minds. I can even excite your biology, seducing you with sensuous syllables bringing you into the most private encounters. I can make you stay up late hiding under the covers with a flashlight, or make you feel a pocket of emptiness when you turn the last page. But I dont write. Maybe I am scared of the power woven into these words and don't feel i have the right to jump into your intangible imagination. So I let the letters dance pirorouettes around my mind, phrases floating by my ears and poetry alighting on my skin. I brush it off, not feeling ready to turn my thoughts into visible magic. maybe im afraid that if i finally open the gates the torrent wont ever stop. maybe im afraid that people will find my words trite cliche and bland. maybe im afraid that readers will be intrigued and chase me down for more words becoming dependent on the wisdom. maybe im afraid that no one will read it anyway but maybe thats actually what is prefer, maybe im scared that i wont ever get known or that strangers will see my naked self, way scarier than showing just my body, after all i had nothing to do with making that.but my words, those come from my soul.

but don't worry-I will keep writing!!!

On Surrender

“There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth” ~ Rumi

How to live with an open heart and many leaps of faith.

"How do I surrender?" asked the naked brain theorist in my yurt at Burning Man. Sky and I looked at one another, wondering how to explain such an abstract yet fundamental aspect of our approach to life. I explained to him that in order to surrender, one has to have faith, in order to have faith, one has to trust, and in order to have trust, one has to believe in the basic goodness of the world. Surrender requires letting go of control, and living with uncertainty. One has to welcome fear into the room and sit with it but believe that there is a more powerful force present. I consider this force to be divinity, regardless of what form or definition that is used to interpret it. Divinity is a benevolent essence in the world that more often bestows good than evil on the believer. If one is able to accept this as truth, and trust that its power will be used to help and not harm, then one may surrender.

"Like this? Is this right?" the man asked. We had suggested that he try to feel physically what it is like to surrender. We guided him to kneel on the earth, bow his head to the ground, and open his hands up towards the sky in front of him. This is a vulnerable position, the body is not easily protected, and the open hands are meant to receive.

“Am I surrendering now?” His voice was muffled but his tone earnest. Sky and I exchanged a knowing smile. Surrender is something that has to happen at a very deep place in the soul. As humans, especially in the western world, we are often told that we control everything and that successes and failures are a result of our own work. We value structure and laws, hierarchies and concrete explanations. Surrender asks us to let go of all of that. We must step out of our rational mind and open up to amorphous, invisible instruments that we can only sense intuitively.

“I’ll just stay like this for awhile until I feel it” the naked would-be devotee decided.  

I live my life with an open heart, I do things that may be considered courageous but it is not for lack of fear. It is because I so profoundly believe that there is an energy out there in the world which is going to help me. I can’t prove it to you, I can’t explain why bad things happen to good people in any justified way, and if you don’t surrender to it, I don’t know if it will work for you. I can tell you that it spares me from a lot of suffering. I see so many people who are plagued by anxiety and fears, living in a world narrated by the potential of worst-case scenarios. They struggle for control, for a definitive, reasonable solution. They repeat negative thoughts and flail against barriers created by their minds.  

When I am worried, or hurting, I am able to turn over these tough emotions to a greater power and trust that I am going to survive. I have faith that the lessons the pain is teaching me are needed later on my journey. I don’t run from the ache of rejection, or hide beneath the heaviness of doubt. I recognize them, own the validity of their experience, and wait for them to pass on. I know that I am not my thoughts or my emotions, I am the part that observes their ebb and flow. I don’t try to make sense of the situation because I don’t feel that I have to know the answers in my mind. I allow the vibrations to flow through me, and imagine when everything will shine again. When I set my intention on something I want in my life, I believe that this power will create stepping stones towards my goal. I breathe, and I surrender.