I remember what love feels like, my sister.

I wrote this to a dear friend of mine who at the time was beginning to fall in love but struggled with the fear of pain and vulnerability which comes with opening your heart. (1/19/13)

I remember what love feels like, my sister.

I see you flirting with love, tempting it close and then turning away and hugging your knees to your chest, yelling at it to stay away. Love is absolutely terrifying because suddenly another person causes so much reaction in your being and you have no control over it. It feels like you are just floating away into the sky and can’t find the ground no matter how hard you kick. It is scary, my sister, but it is one of the most spectacular experiences of being human. Even if it ends in heartache, the taste of it is never forgotten, and it was still the most delicious fruit you’ve ever had the privilege to savor.

I remember what love feels like, my sister. I have been in love. Real true wild love at first sight. His soul and mine, we have loved each other for lifetimes. I thought I would spend my life with him. What was it like? I remember that it feels like you want nothing more in the entire world than to be next to him. To be snuggled up against his warm body with his arms wrapped around you and feeling like you are so protected and like you two could just disappear into your shared cocoon and turn into two brilliant sparkling butterflies and spread multi-colored joy around the earth. When you look into his eyes it feels like you can see a thousand stories of every moment you want to spend together. It feels like he can see parts of you that you didn’t even know were there, that you are only aware of now that he has shown his light into ever corner of your soul. When you hold his hand, you can’t even remember what its like to be alone. When you see his name on your phone, you catch your breath because you just can’t wait to hear his voice. When you have to part even for a few days, you hug him once and then run back over and over again to have just one more hug and one more kiss. You try to savor the sensation of his lips on yours, try to soak it up into your soul so that every time you speak, your shared magic will spread love out into the world. Love is when you see him across the room talking to someone else, and you are full of pride. When his eyes catch yours you smile before any conscious thought can even enter your brain and your chest feels hot and tingly with the blossoming honor that he is your partner. Love is when waking up next to him and having a whole unplanned day ahead of you, all you want to do is roll closer together and feel as much of his skin against yours. Its when you finally drag yourselves out of the bed because you are hungry and feel completely fulfilled as you make the french toast and he makes the eggs, the partnership and balance feel infinite. When you set the table for your two person breakfast, you want to use the fancy wine glasses, even if it’s just for orange juice. Being in love is when something great happens to you, the thought of telling him about it doubles the sensation of joy in your body, magnifying the resonance of positive energy around and inside you. Its when something upsetting happens and as soon as you tell him you will start to feel better, because you can feel that he wants you to feel better and will do anything he can to help, but really its just that, his love wanting to heal you that will already improve it, no action is required. Love is when you want to wear your favorite dress and look flawless and stunning, just as a testament to how much you glow for him inside. Love is when you wear your sweatpants and T-shirt and still feel like he can see your light. Love is when you can laugh at all the awkward things, and when you both are sad after a fight, and both apologize, because you are fighting for the same thing; to be at peace and share your love. Love is when you do giant things like move across the country to be with someone, or buy a plane ticket spur of the moment on credit because you won’t let anything get in the way of being close as soon as humanly possible. Love is when the simplest thing like staying in and watching a movie on the couch feels like the most appealing activity for a Saturday night, uninterrupted by others, and you can climb into bed and press up against each other and sync your breathing, and drift into sleep with his warmth surrounding your body and his love enveloping your soul and not want to ever be anywhere else.

Love is when you can’t imagine not having him in your life anymore. And if a day comes when that is how it has to be, when all your goodbyes are said and tears are shed, when the pit in your heart finally feels tolerably shallow, the love will remain. No matter what happened, who did what to who, when its really love, that never goes away. And sometimes at 3am in your bed even when you are fully complete within yourself and on your path, a pang appears in your heartspace and you miss him so badly the hot tears flow down your cheeks. Its not that you want to start anything with him again, you know too well that its not meant to be, its just, this profound deep sense of sadness, that you can’t call or hug him anymore. But you try to breathe and remember that it’s ok, because you knows he loves you too. I remember what love feels like, my sister. Even when he is marrying another person, you know that is his journey in this lifetime, but it doesn’t erase the love between your hearts. You know that if someday you two lay eyes on each other in these or other human forms, the magnetic force between you two will pull you towards one another and you will still find pure comfort pressing up against him. But, chances are you won’t see him again, and any way it would be too painful to ever have to be that close but not in the way your soul craves and have to separate again. So you move apart in body and mind, but you send some light and love through that thread that goes from your heart to his. Send some compassion and gratitude and energy, and you know he feels it. Always. That is what love is, my sister. Love is when you love each other to the core of your being but you know that it won’t work anymore to spend your days together. Love is when you are healing and not hurting but, that missing and that love, won’t ever fully disappear. And that’s ok, because that’s what a soul mate is. He’s someone that comes into your life to teach you a lesson for a certain time. And you won’t ever stop being soul mates. But that doesn’t mean you are life mates this time around. For now, just pick up the pieces and put them in a painted vase, and grow some flowers in it, and they will always bloom because the love is always there.

I remember what love feels like, my sister. I don’t have it anymore and I was sorely wounded by betrayal. But I will always remember what it feels like, if it was real that will never go away. No lies can erase the truth spoken between two hearts. Even when the trust is broken and you have to walk away, your souls still know each other, they always will. I remember what love feels like, my sister, and I hope you get to learn it too.